Better now I start an account of the time leading up to my eventual deployment to Afghanistan. I named my domain for this blog on a T.E Lawrence quote: "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did." He is speaking, of course, of his waking dream for a free Arab world. Free from the western hand into their government and culture. Certainly this would have led to a less complicated Middle East although we shall never know. It also has a meaning deeper to me; although every night it seems I dream of a better and different life for myself, simpler and easier, I awake to a life with less vanity and more practicality. I rarely think of these dreams during the daytime for they are a nocturnal phenomenon, only coming to me at night. Possibly, if I had these dreams during the "waking hours" I would have been more apt to act upon them. It must be for the best, my dreams of the day often consist of how best to complete my task and how to be a better soldier.
We are constantly training now, with deployment only a few months away. I, however, play only a small role in our training, because I am not assigned a rifle (more is the pity) and I do not have a proper platoon with which to participate. If I had a rifle, I would have shot expert. I would have been participating in every "move and shoot" battle drill. I would be shooting a .50 cal from the turret of a Humvee. I would be shooting a Mark 19 automatic 40mm grenade launcher from the turret of a Humvee. This is not the case. I am stuck in an office, the last place I want to be prior to a deployment to possibly the most dangerous place in the world after Somalia. I get to read about the training we are required to do, the soldiers getting married, the soldiers breaking the law, the soldiers needing administrative help, and the soldiers who had their feelings hurt by a superior in their platoon. I'm bored. I have no one to challenge me, physically, mentally or emotionally. I have one member of my platoon that said I hurt his feelings and bullied him by calling him a terrible soldier. I can't believe this is the most stressful thing I have to deal with.
For the comfort of my family and friends, I will not be spending much of the deployment doing dangerous field work. I will spend it in front of a computer or in front of a group of superiors briefing them on the most dangerous aspects of the field, having never experienced it for myself. I will tell them things we know, things we need to know, and possible dangers to the mission. I will know these things second and third-hand because I am not allowed to leave the relative safety of our FOB or COP. I am too valuable an intelligence asset to lose. I will sit in boredom waiting for someone to attack us so I can feel like I'm being of some use to our mission.
Meanwhile back home most everyone will be continuing their lives. Friends will get married or find likely marriageable partners. They will move, get new jobs and even have kids while I am away. I will come back to find the world has moved on and I will have to remake my place in it. Not that I am not up to the challenge, I have become very adept to remaking myself with each major change in life: college, post-college, and military life. The unfortunate side-effect is that I seem to making no headway in my own life. Everyone has a career now, marriage at least possible, and even kids for the select few of you blessed with the next generation. Its hard to see that and not feel like I'm falling behind. But someone always has to fight. And right now it is me with what strength I have and all the intelligence I can muster. I'm fighting for you.
Before I leave it is nice to experience fall in all it's glory. I ran over 5 miles this morning to the sounds a crisp wind shaking the changing leaves to the ground. I couldn't help but smile as someone remarked upon the change in season. It has become the time of pumpkins, Halloween, and eventually Thanksgiving. Possibly my favorite holiday, previously for the food and currently for the family, I cannot wait to see everyone and celebrate my time here. I can't say it will be easy seeing everyone for possibly the last time before I leave, but I try not to think of it that way. I celebrate the time I have left for everyone and don't begrudge them how they spend the time I'm away.
